Domesticky situations..

As a couple we’re repetitively getting stuck in a domestic argument that is never evolving and never resolving. I don’t know how it starts but we’re on a cycle - it’s always coming round again, we just don’t know when exactly and we don’t seem to know how to stop it.

99% of the time, we are best friends. Real best friends. I’m devoted to him. Utterly. We never stop laughing, we’re silly, we cuddle, we have two beautiful daughters and everything is fine. No complaints at all. We don’t bicker or row about anything.

Then this other 1% of the time we have this row. This one row … and it always seems to finish as though it were entirely my fault and I’m not sure how. It has to start with us both being a bit tired I spose, or a bit cranky with the kids or whatever. But essentially it’s always the same.

But firstly…
I have to ask, why do people say ‘nothing’ when really they mean ’something’ in response to the question/s :

1. What’s wrong?
2. What’s the matter?
3. What’s up?

or ‘yes’ and/or ‘fine’ instead of ‘no’ when you ask them

4. Are you OK?

We have this fundemental floor in our design as a couple in that I cannot not ask these questions if someone appears not to be OK and he cannot tolerate these questions if he is OK. (even if he may appear pissed off/upset whatever)

I care about people. In general. I have no problem asking these questions of people I don’t even know if they look like they’re not OK. Also, I’m a people pleaser. I have to know:
a) if there is something wrong and
b) if there is, did I do it?

If I accept that generally a person is genuinely OK but sometimes they can look as if there is something troubling them without there being an actual problem then why can I not just make sure? Just a quick question. Needs a quick answer. It’s not intended to be provocative or goading or irritating in any way. I just need to know. And the answer needs to be passably genuine.

I have this niggle, that the one time I don’t ask will be the time that someone needed to talk.

How do I get over that? I wait for people to tell me that they need to talk, obviously.
Except that people lie. How do I know this?
People say ‘nothing’ when they mean ’something’ even when you do ask.

I’ve tried explaining this but I always get told a variation of the same thing.
I should believe people. I should believe him.

If he says nothing’s wrong then why won’t I believe nothing’s wrong?
1. People lie when they don’t want to talk about things or if they know it’ll turn into a row they don’t want. So they say ‘nothing’ even when they mean ’something’ and expect the other person to either give up asking and just accept they won’t get the truth or they think the other person is blind and won’t see they’re lying.

2. If it’s YOU that’s the matter maybe they won’t say because they don’t want to talk to YOU. Yet. They always will eventually but these are the situations where you’re supposed to guess what you’ve done and approach them with an apology.

3. I lie. I do. If something’s wrong with me and I either can’t be bothered to talk about it or if I know it’ll turn into an argument that I don’t really want to have, or if it’s him that’s annoyed me and I want him to know he’s annoyed me but I want him to apologise rather than have to explain it, then I’ll say ‘nothing’ even when I mean ’something’.
How female.
Isn’t this what some men complain we do but we’ll never admit to?
Yes, I’m sure it is.

So why can’t he be the same? Don’t you just hate it when people give you that really ingenuine ‘fine’ when you ask if they’re ok? You know it’s crap, they know it’s crap but if you ask again, they say ‘really I’m fine’ with “I’m pissed off at you’ painted all over their face?

I know him. I’ve known him for over 7 years. I know when something’s wrong but more importantly I know if something isn’t. I don’t just persistently ask and ask and ask all day every day. Only when there seems to be something the matter.

Therefore, when he says he’s fine or that nothing’s wrong but it seems ingenuine, then I don’t believe him. Simple as.

This causes a row. A row we’ve been having for about 6 and a half years. Am I the guilty one? Possibly? Maybe I should just learn never to ask if he’s OK. How nice. Maybe he should try and not look pissed off if he isn’t.

Whatever you think, I’m not sure anyone is at fault. It’s a personality clash in this one area that seems to be unrelenting. We both like to be right. We both like to ‘make our point’ so can we ever end this without it ending us first?