This is one of my posts that’s ‘on my list’. I have been thinking about this for ages now really. I have a whole list of things that I want to blog about and never seem to get round to, but recently a lot of people started writing about why..
Why are we blogging? What started it off and why do we keep going? What makes us sit down and share… and why don’t we feel embarrassed to share so openly and honestly?
I have never been a person that I thought would be open to sharing in this way. I have never been good at sharing anyway and I never feel comfortable really when I’m being ‘up close and personal’ with others.
Well that’s not entirely true..
I love to listen to others and I happily counsel. I love to hug and support and console but have never really been one for sharing. Not sharing my stuff..
Well I say never, but probably not since I got burned. I was always very trusting of people and two bad relationships with shitty knob-heads got me all paranoid about who I should trust. Who I could trust, when I should trust and when I shouldn’t keep my mouth shut and when I should keep my head down and get on with it.
I have learned to rely on myself for a lot of emotional stuff and I tend to be the one that questions my own actions whilst I over analyse things (because I’m not that great at sharing my stuff).
Those two relationships took something quite vital from me really. They took my ability to trust even when I have no reason not to trust. Funnily though, they have not really taken away my ‘ever charming’ gullibility 
even if they have added somewhat to my suspicious nature.
Bizarre the little flaws and contradictions in my personality.
I accidentally found my sister’s blog toward the end of last year. I may have said this before…
I was doing a Google search for ‘Bottled Cherry Angel’. A book she had when we were younger, based loosely on the Peter Pan story..
I had loved it as a girl and couldn’t remember who wrote it. BigN and I were talking about the book, and I just couldn’t adequately describe the storyline so I wanted to read him the blurb.
Anyway.. The fourth link down was Read Merrily, Patch of Puddles. I followed the link because I was sure that had to be something to do with my sister..
It was ….. and I found her blog. Quite by accident.
I knew it existed and I had known for sometime. I had never been to find it, not because I didn’t want to .. I just hadn’t. I didn’t really know what blogs were and it never occurred to me to look.
What I read on her pages that evening, made me cry. I was stunned and sorry.
I didn’t know my sister.
The sister I thought I knew was not the woman that was writing these words. I knew she had had a tough year last year. Of course I knew things had happened in her personal life but I didn’t really know her.
But what hurt more though.. was that I thought I did.
I resolved there and then that I had to get to know her better.
I asked her how to start a blog and thought that this would be how I would do it.
Get to know her.
I would join in an interest and make an effort to have something in common.
A common ground. A starting place.
To extend and develop a relationship that was severely stunted and probably still only about as complex as it was when we were thirteen and fifteen.
In other words.. not much more complicated than the odd hello and occasionally falling out over things I can’t even remember, really.
So. I became the Little Nut Tree.
The name came from my dad’s nickname for Rowan, Peanut. I had been Peanut Crunch when I was little because I went brown so quickly and tanned quite deeply. LNT just popped into my head.. it was either that or ‘Bunch of Nuts’!! 
So I started this blog …. and I started without really having a direction or an idea of what I was doing or why I was doing it. But as I have continued, I realise this is actually something I really enjoy doing.
I can see that my style is growing and that I have developed my own little ‘way’.
I look forward to blogging when I’m at work. Sometimes I log on at work to see if I have any new visitors, or new comments. Look at my world map and see if anyone has come from a new, exciting place.
I am totally enjoying sharing my feelings and being myself. Unconditionally.
An extremely weird and unexpected revelation for me.
I am caring. I am honest. Dippy. Thoughtful. Ridiculous. Childish. Mature. Devoted. Protective. Argumentative. Defensive. Loving. Quiet. Loud. Dieting. Self conscious. Self deprecating sometimes. Loony(ish). Insecure…
All of these with an un-shifting annoying desire to be right but a constant need to apologise if I suspect (or know) that I’m wrong.
I just love that on this blog, I can be all of this and more. People can read about me and can read ‘me’ almost. People that don’t even know me… know me.
And if someone says something back to me… something that inspires or provokes me… I can answer at my own pace in my own style and with utter honesty.
So…..
I enjoy feeling connected to people. I have been alone for such a long time.I want to explain that. Because obviously I am not alone.
At university I had great girlfriends. I enjoyed my time there immensely and always felt a security in my world there and knew that I could confide if I needed to.
And actually without my great friend, Audrey, I would never have made it through the shit boyfriend scenario half as sanely as I managed to in the end.
She listened to me go on and on (ad nauseum) when really all other sane people on the planet had left me to witter away. And quite rightly so. I bored myself in the end! 
But sharing with and confiding in Audrey was easy. She was older than I was, about 7 years older I think. We had a grown-up and sturdy relationship built on trust and honesty and I knew that whatever was said to her never went any further.
Not only that but she listened. Properly listened. Listened and advised. No matter what we were doing or what else was going on, if you needed to talk to Audrey - you got her attention. 100%.
I like to make sure now, that I do that for others. I learned from her. It is invaluable to be there for others when you are needed. To be trusted and to know that you are trusted. But more than that. To be trustworthy.
And I am. And it’s never too much trouble for me to be there for someone.
But one thing I am missing since I moved away and started the new life with BN in a new place and had a new job and a new city and new everything.. was that connection.
I was incredibly lonely when we first moved here. I have never been without friends. Ever.
I am the girl that is the first to talk in a room full of people that don’t know each other. I make friends quickly.
Not because I am particularly self confident or outgoing though. But because I want to make others feel at ease.
In fact, in situations where I am unlikely to know anyone I am incredibly lacking in confidence .. (Branch Manager meetings for new regions, for example, where I could turn up and know no-one) ..
I like to break the ice and see others relax because I know how hard it is to be somewhere where you feel like you don’t fit in.
I just like to take care of others.
Also.. I have to admit.. I am a genuine loudmouth on occasion. 
But I was missing that for a long time when we moved here and I haven’t totally found it yet.
I haven’t found a best mate. A BFF. Someone I can always talk to. About everything.
BN is of course my best friend. I tell him everything. Unequivocal honesty is the absolute key to our relationship. I am never afraid to tell him anything and I know that I will never keep anything from him.
And.. for the first time in my life, I know I have the person that treats me in the same regard.
Am I greedy for wanting more than one person though? I want more. I want more than BN. I want a girlfriend. Near me. Not one in Exeter or Norwich. But here.
But there is nothing quite like the opinion of girlfriends. You need girlfriends and in my opinion, humble as it is, you need more than one. You need a few.
I miss the laughing over who may or may not have bought a sex toy (you know who you are ), I miss the talking into the night over who loves who and what happened next in the saga of Sarah and her new boyfriend of the moment..
I am missing a connection.
And what I believe I am starting to tap in to… is this weirdly surreal but real, forcefield of friends and just ‘people’ who want to interact with you.
Are willing to interact with you … no matter what you talk about and no matter what time you feel like talking, there will be someone out there who can give you that comment… that well timed reach out into the unknown (known?) … to make you feel better or to let you know that you are not alone with whatever it is that you think or feel.
There have been a few things lately where I have felt wildly grateful for having a blog or for reading others. I tell BN stuff, but he may have his opinion and I have mine and sometimes it’s just what you need to get that last few thoughts.
Thoughts that can cement whether you act or you wait. Thoughts that can make you feel secure in your opinion or doubt your chosen course of action.
Sometimes it’s just good to get things out there.
Whether you are agreed with .. or disagreed with. Argued with, shouted down or supported.
It’s that connection that counts.
I have found one person so far that I would truly call a friend. She may be on the other side of the planet. But I would never have found her if not for the world of Flickr and Blogging.
And I am looking for more friends I suppose.
So….
Here is my answer.
It’s the connection.
I blog for the connection. I have found a connection.
And at this time I can’t see a reason why I would want to stop.
so cute.. I could just feel the strings of my heart being plucked like a toy guitar in the hands of a three year old 
