Lack of drive.

For those of you that don’t know.. I don’t drive.

Not just that I don’t own a car, but I don’t drive. By choice so far.

There’s no massively sinister reason for it.

It just scares the shit out of me. It’s as simple as that.

The thought that you’re in charge of something that can kill people, the thought that you have to rely on other people to be sensible when in control of something that can kill people…. it just scares the shit out of me.

There’s this and the fact that my very own arms disobey me when asked to act in conjunction with my legs and eyes… they seem to have saved any type of inter-bodily cooperation for walking, eating and the like and thus far seem disinterested in applying any type of effort for driving.

The result? Lots of stalling, 18 point turns and generally bad driving.

Passenger driving I can do.

I’m perfect at that. I can see how to drive. I understand how it works. I understand what my body has to do in order to accomplish it. I just can’t do it.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s some sort of psychological barrier I have to learning because actually the thought of being successful means being in control of a car or whether I am just really that shit that I can’t do it.

I have no idea.

The frustrating thing is that if I passed my test, I would be given a car .. my job comes with a car!

And I can’t drive.

The other thing that has started to play on my mind is that my dad made a comment recently.

Whenever we go to stay at their house, 9 times out of 10 he’ll come and fetch us. Load everything in the car and drive us back. BN is also license-less.

His reason was more complicated to begin with. He was ill with Graves disease at 18. It affected his eyes very near the beginning and resulted in him having to stop driving lessons and sell the car he’d already bought. He’s just never got back on the horse so to speak. Mainly because we feel we can never really justify the money but more because I would be given a car and it makes sense for me to pass the test first.

The only thing is - I’m not doing it.

My dad said - he’s worried that if anything happens to him we’ll be stuck. He’s worried that I’m putting something off that is going to make my life progressively more difficult and that if I leave it and leave it - eventually I’ll be old and license-less and that I’ll be trapped relying on others - God forbid… I should find myself alone.

So - that worked. I’ve been thinking about driving ever since. Barely a day passes when I don’t think about it and wonder how I can sort it out.

What should I do?

I’ve done courses before. I’ve had about 17-18 lessons. Last drove when I was pregnant with Rowan I think….. although it could have been after that actually I can’t remember.

Should I do an intensive course? Should I start slowly but surely? I have this feeling that if I start again - there’s another chance that I could start a course and never finish it again.

Basically. I have a lack of drive to drive.

I need a jump start…

CHD Awareness Day - February 14th

Please go on over to Dan at 0ddness. Tomorrow is CHD awareness day.

Spread the word.

OK - I’m back.

Hi.

I have been taking a break - as if you hadn’t noticed

I took a break from work and kind of decided to take a break from everything. I wanted to say Happy New Year to Everyone and thank you very much to everyone that sent me Christmas Wishes and New Year Wishes and sorry I wasn’t around to respond.

We had a good Christmas. Rowan had a great time. Loved it and totally went for Santa in a big way this year. We left out a mince pie and milk and an apple for the reindeer. They got stockings and basically too much other stuff!

I loved watching Rowan get so into it and I can’t wait till next year when they are both excited

I will post some pictures. We had  no digital camera this year so BN took loads on our SLR. I’ll get those developed and see if I can get some of them on here. We don’t have a scanner so not sure how I’ll do that..!?

We continue to be concerned about Rowan really and I’m quite down about it at the moment. She is still vomiting. This latest bout started on the 16th December. Since then, she has pretty much vomited daily. She’s down to 2 stone. She is starting to look skeletal. Her eyes are red rimmed. She’s knackered and back to having long naps most days.

She looks drawn and tired. And pale.

I am worried. I am so worried that I could be missing something that needs to be addressed as much as I am convinced she is just suffering from a virus and responds to being ill with bouts of vomiting.

It’s so hard to say.

I was overwhelmed tonight with how tiny she felt in my arms when I carried her up to bed. She now weighs less than her sister who is under 17 months old.

She is reasonably interested in food. She’s eating mash potato most days and is very keen on tinned bolognaise for the last couple of days. She doesn’t really complain of nausea but has said the last few days that she doesn’t want to be sick but she has to be sick when she’s eaten too much. She said she didn’t like to be full.

I asked her if she was sick at nursery and she said no. I asked why and she said because they would be upset. All those things linked together make it sound psychosomatic. Is she causing her own vomiting? Is that even possible?

She doesn’t do anything to make herself vomit. No fingers down her throat, no stressing, no wretching. She just says it’s coming and puts her hand to her mouth. Sometimes it’s time delayed but she’s rarely wrong.

I asked her if she could stop herself being sick and she said no. She said that she didn’t want to do it but it was difficult to stop it. She’s bizarrely intellectual in these conversations. It’s like talking to a child twice her age. She complained today that her back won’t stop swallowing.

I am stumped.

Utterly. Obviously we are taking her back to the doctor next week. The weight loss can’t continue if nothing else. She’ll have to have some kind of supplement I guess.

But I am scouring the internet looking for symptoms that sound even remotely like what she has to see if I can make sense of it in any way.

I am worrying that something could really be wrong with her and we are missing it. Would stomach growths produce symptoms like this? Is there anything that anyone knows of that could produce chronic vomiting? Immediately afterwards she’s back to eating.

Yesterday we took her for lunch and she was enjoying pasta with no problem whatsoever. At the end of the meal she was sick. Everything came up. Immediately after she’d finished she asked for her ice cream and polished it off no problem. No vomiting.

In the middle of this meal she said she was going to be sick and I took her to the toilet and this is where she told me that she had to be sick because she had eaten too much.

Anybody… any ideas???

For the friend of a friend…

From Flutter

From my friend Jenn:

I’ve never asked for site visits before, but I’d like your help with this.

I’d like to make this link a card for Matt’s parents. I’d like to get as many comments as possible for them over the next coupld of days and then give it to them. The funeral is Thursday; would like to have it finalized at that point.

Can you please post this link to your blog and direct commenters to it?

It is for Terry & Cheryl Blaskowski, parents of Sgt. Matthew Blaskowski.

http://iservethequeens.blogspot.com/2007/10/of-america-heroes.html

Comments will be moderated; no anti-war messages will be posted.

Please, please, do your magic friends, and pass this link along to your friends, who can pass it along to their friends…..
Jenn

http://iservethequeens.blogspot.com/

3 in 1 Vacuum Cleaner

OK.

We want one. We can’t find one.

The only one we can see is the Vax Orange Monstrosity which just isn’t what we want and… it’s too big for our cupboard which would just cause us other problems.

Then I found the George one…. ideally don’t want this one either.

Really, we wanted an upright one.

Now seriously. Lurkers out there. Who knows of a good 3 in 1 combination washing drying hoovering vacuum that would be a good buy?

Anyone??

Madeleine McCann

If you have a blog or website please copy this following script into your site content or post in forums/newsgroups etc. Thanks

Se tem um blog por favor copia este seguinte manuscrito em seu conteúdo de local. Agradece

<a href=”http://madeleinemccann.blogspot.com/”><img alt=”Madeleine McCann” width=”110″ src=”http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/7077/384673276079665/185/z/214586/gse_multipart69888.jpg” /></a> </p> <p>Madeleine McCann missing in Portugal. Have you seen her?</p> <p>Please contact Crimestoppers: 0800 555 111, +44 1883 731 336 </p> <p>Madeleine McCann desapareceu em Portugal. Tem informações sobre o seu paradeiro?</p> <p>Por favor contacte Crimestoppers: 0800 555 111, +44 1883 731 336</p> <p><a href=”http://madeleinemccann.blogspot.com/2007/05/thousands-help-madeleine-mccann.html”>Madeleine McCann News Widget</a></p> <p><a href=”http://madeleinemccann.blogspot.com”>madeleinemccann.blogspot.com</a>

Please help Madeleine

The family have now set up Madeleine’s Fund..

Money donated to this fund will be used to help find Madeleine, help bring her abductors to justice and to help find other missing children in the UK and Portugal.

Please visit www.findmadeleine.com and help this family.

x

Madeleine is distinctive to look at because of the pupil in her right eye. Please post her picture on your blog and your Flickr accounts to get this message to as many people as possible.

Help Find Madeleine McCann

Help Find Madeleine McCann, originally uploaded by Little Nut Tree.

4 Year Old Madeleine went missing on the 3rd May from the Algarve in Portugal 10pm at night whilst her parents were nearby. It is believed she may have been abducted either by someone locally but possibly for international trafficking for some sort of abuse.

Please publicise this photo on your Flickr account or your blog to help spread the word that this little girl needs our help. She has a distinctive feature in her right eye where her pupil leaks into her iris.

Whatever else happens to her hair or appearance, this will identify her. Please help.

Please help Madeleine and her parents and her 2 year old twin brother and sister to bring her back home where she is missed and needed.

 

Please help

From outside of the UK please contact Crimestoppers on 00 44 18 83 73 1336

If you’re phoning from within the UK contact 0800 555 111