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More about me. Part one: with no work.

January 22, 2007
by

Why are people so shit? I hate people. I hate the fact that I trust people and I fucking hate the fact that people always seem to let you down.

I find myself constantly wondering these questions. This is not the first time this has happened to me and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But I am left with this defiance. This absolute defiance that I should be made to change the way I am just because people. are. shit.

You may want to go and get coffee… stick with me, it may get interesting. It may not though so I accept no responsibility for blogging induced boredom.

It started with my second boyfriend 13 years ago. It was an ‘ok’ relationship but I didn’t really like him like he liked me. It was OK because it was long distance and I didn’t see him more than about 2 days every 2-4 weeks depending on stuff. I realised when he got his summer break from university; he started coming over every day. I remember thinking: I don’t want to see him. I’m bored. He may have picked up on that 😉
I was too chicken to dump him. I was fat and felt I should be grateful for the attention I suppose. It ended because he cheated on me with a girl called Gretchen. I remember laughing with a mate afterwards that maybe he just had a thing for girls with weird names. 🙂

Then my third boyfriend. Well third serious boyfriend. There were a few in between but nothing to write home about.

3 was a shit. Just a complete knobhead really – but my confidence was knocked. He was convenient. He lived in my shared house at uni and it meant I could ‘see’ someone without them ever being able to get anything past me, so to speak. Of course the relationship was doomed from the very start because

a) I didn’t really like him,

b) I didn’t find him attractive and

c) he was a cock. 🙂

He cheated on me too. But I kind of accept some responsibility for that. I pushed and pushed him toward the end. Argued, picked fights and pushed until he was sick of me. Something you think is cowardly. But applaud me please. This was confidence growing. I didn’t have the confidence to reject the first one so I was getting there.
I didn’t really realise it then… but I hadn’t actually wanted to be with him after the first 12 months. We were ‘together’ for 2years and 3 months. So I had taken my time.

So …. I left this relationship with an unhealthy distrust in men. I thought, well then, they must all be shit. Where’s the fun in that? I treated all subsequent men like they were latent cheating maniacs and drove many prospective boyfs away with my attitude and scepticism that they might be the person who could keep in it their trousers.

Then I met Big. He wouldn’t go away. I’m so glad. He was the first person I saw in a long time that I wanted. I pursued him. And pursued. And pursued. He didn’t mind though and…. eventually he gave in. I say gave in, but I think actually we were pursuing each other. Then my true personality took over with wild abandon. All men are shit rah rah rah.
No they aren’t he said. And then he showed me that he wasn’t a shit.

He’s still showing me how all men aren’t shits seven years later. He’s ace. 🙂

So – since the age of about 18 I have felt that men were pretty shit (still reserve some judgement for them seeing as I have no shortage of friends who are being shit on from one week to the next). I instantly feel an emotional bind with any woman that’s been cheated on. And I love the woman that gets her own back. I never did. Not really. Except boyf number 3. His life was going pretty shit last time I heard. SO I kind of feel victory there – but that’s another story.

But ….. women. Shit women. I never learn with women.
You think I would – but I just keep going back for more.
And you know what? That’s what kills me. Women are just too damn clever and they get me every time. Even the little ones.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. January 23, 2007 9:43 am

    Yep.

    I think that is why i had so many male friends as a teen, i never quite figured girls out. And i think it has a lot more to do with girls than women, even big, grown up adult girls.

    Then i thought i had sussed it but for a while there weren’t many around. Now i’ve discovered that mostly you can trust people, so long as you assume they are no more perfect than you are yourself and that occasionally we all do things that REALLY suck and REALLY piss people off, me included. Often unintentionally, mostly without intent in fact for the vast majority.

    Pissy, backstabby, nasty, lowlife behaviour though, isn’t any bigger or cleverer than it was at school. It doesn’t make anyone but the perpetrator look small and pathetic.

    I’d go a long way before i’d say i was perfect; i’m not. People piss me off, i have a moan. i piss people off, they have a moan. And if people do it often enough about each other, you soon learn who moans about you and then you have to decide if the positives outweigh the fact you know that happens. I never say anything i wouldn’t say to a face though and if someone upsets me, i’d rather deal with it face to face if i can. Often, that can’t be done though.

    But one thing i’m not is malevolent, nor am i someone who deliberately backstabs for the joy of venting my venom against someone who has no idea i feel that way about them. And sometimes i really wonder where the breed of women come from who are like that.

    Haven’t dealt with a shit bloke since Simon though – and perhaps if i’d spotted the basic incompatibility between us, i’d not have though he was either 😉

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