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The F Word – Addiction

October 24, 2008

I’ve always thought it totally unfair that when you’re the person that has a problem with food everyone always imagines you to be this cream cake shoveling, cholesterol loving, pork pie cramming, ‘secret’ eater that can’t control your own urges to force food down until you can’t eat another morsel.

In reality the facts for me are very different.

For some people food is an addiction, certainly. And it seems so unfair that when people suffer with this sort of addiction they receive gems of advice like ‘just eat less’ or ‘exercise more’.

Oh yes! What a silly obese person I am! Who knew – it’s that easy! Why didn’t I think of that?!

And you can draw all those parallels between any addiction as others regularly do. How on earth would an alcoholic cope with being told they could have a glass of wine every day but not more. A drug addict..? One hit of heroin a week young missy, and not one shot more, mind!

A food addict that has progressed to obesity. Being obese and desperately needing to lose weight. Addicted to food and yet you cannot avoid food. You have to have some every day.

I cannot imagine how hard this must be.

I am so lucky that for me this has never been my issue.

If I could turn back time and do things differently I would. I have often drifted away on the daydream that I could visit the younger me and give some advice.
I would visit me in the kitchen those times when I thought that no one was looking and stop me from punishing myself with the chocolate bars and the sandwiches that were making me fatter and fatter.

If no one sees me eat it, it doesn’t count. I’m fat but it’s not my fault…

I was aware from an early age that my parents were ashamed that I was fat. I was the token fat child in my group of friends. The one with the weight problem. The one with, what everyone hoped, was the puppy fat.

I had no idea why I started to gain weight in the first place but as I know it started around the age of 6 or so I think it’s safe to say that some of the responsibility lay with my parents.

Maybe what they fed me or when they fed me. I don’t know as I can’t remember but I do know that I first became aware of it aged about 8. I moved schools after my folks relocated and due to some junior school place availability, I ended up starting two different schools in the space of 2 weeks.

I think it may have been meeting all these new people and having to introduce myself constantly and be liked that started off a lot of my insecurities. I think.

I was slightly picked on by some older children a year or 2 above me, but not for long.

I’m a level-headed person and knew instantly it was something I had to tell a teacher about. They were soon asked to apologise and it was all forgotten. Girls experimenting with bullying and getting found out, I hope it stopped them trying it again.

It was at this time that the first fat comments came about. I was stunned. Stung. Hurt and confused about why this was an issue. Suddenly noticing that I was different. I was fat. I looked different and nobody else did. My first lesson in that being different wasn’t always good or interesting. Sometimes it was just plain awful.

I wasn’t teased mercilessly. I had a strong personality and I knew how to tell people to fuck off. Maybe not in that language just then, but I held my own, as you can imagine I hope 🙂

I was perfectly capable of appearing impervious even if it was hurting and sooner or later the comments about being bigger stopped. It’s no fun to tease someone who’s not biting back.

And I was too busy biting into chocolate bars in my bedroom to bother biting back at them…

3 Comments leave one →
  1. October 25, 2008 8:40 am

    That was very well written… Bizarelly for me, though I’m humongous now (size 26) I was actually called Sparrow Legs in school. I was really underweight, and a bit of a lollipop. I was hospitalised when I was about 5 for being malnourished (my brother was put into care round about the same time). I think my stock piling of food, and binge eating probably leads directly to that… or that’s what I’ve recently come to think anyway.

    At least we’re both aware enough to not make the same mistakes with our own children.

    Tilly Mint´s last blog post..Ooh, get me…

  2. October 25, 2008 7:39 pm

    I think it’s less of a problem now cause there’s more obese kids to bond with now than when you were a kid.

    So, maybe there’s one positive to childhood obesity.

    Marty´s last blog post..The Joy of Death

  3. October 25, 2008 7:45 pm

    @ Marty – LOL – you do make me laugh! 😆

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