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Lack of Drive

November 1, 2008

One from the archive…. with an update…

For those of you that don’t know.. I don’t drive.

Not just that I don’t own a car, but I don’t drive. By choice so far.

There’s no massively sinister reason for it.

It just scares the shit out of me. It’s as simple as that.

The thought that you’re in charge of something that can kill people, the thought that you have to rely on other people to be sensible when in control of something that can kill people…. it just scares the shit out of me.

There’s this and the fact that my very own arms disobey me when asked to act in conjunction with my legs and eyes… they seem to have saved any type of inter-bodily cooperation for walking, eating and the like and thus far seem disinterested in applying any type of effort for driving.

The result? Lots of stalling, 18 point turns and generally bad driving.

Passenger driving I can do.

I’m perfect at that. I can see how to drive. I understand how it works. I understand what my body has to do in order to accomplish it. I just can’t do it.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s some sort of psychological barrier I have to learning because actually the thought of being successful means being in control of a car or whether I am just really that shit that I can’t do it.

I have no idea.

The frustrating thing is that if I passed my test, I would be given a car .. my job comes with a car! 🙄

And I can’t drive.

The other thing that has started to play on my mind is that my dad made a comment recently.

Whenever we go to stay at their house, 9 times out of 10 he’ll come and fetch us. Load everything in the car and drive us back. BN is also license-less.

His reason was more complicated to begin with. He was ill with Graves disease at 18. It affected his eyes very near the beginning and resulted in him having to stop driving lessons and sell the car he’d already bought. He’s just never got back on the horse so to speak. Mainly because we feel we can never really justify the money but more because I would be given a car and it makes sense for me to pass the test first.

The only thing is – I’m not doing it.

My dad said – he’s worried that if anything happens to him we’ll be stuck. He’s worried that I’m putting something off that is going to make my life progressively more difficult and that if I leave it and leave it – eventually I’ll be old and license-less and that I’ll be trapped relying on others – God forbid… I should find myself alone.

So – that worked. I’ve been thinking about driving ever since. Barely a day passes when I don’t think about it and wonder how I can sort it out.

What should I do?

I’ve done courses before. I’ve had about 17-18 lessons. Last drove when I was pregnant with Rowan I think….. although it could have been after that actually I can’t remember.

Should I do an intensive course? Should I start slowly but surely? I have this feeling that if I start again – there’s another chance that I could start a course and never finish it again.

Basically. I have a lack of drive to drive.

I need a jump start…


I have now won a contract in a place other than Lincoln. It’s about a 45 minute to an hour drive away. I will have 2 staff working there and I need to be able to get to them. I have no money…

Anybody out there a driving instructor that fancies a challenge..?

A free challenge?


14 Comments leave one →
  1. November 1, 2008 8:19 pm

    Why don’t you ask all of us to make your family xmas presents this year a course of lessons; i bet your kids would benefit more from your driving than from more toys. And then just do a “crash” course; daily lessons will build your confidence because really learning is only the start, what you need is practise. I had a LOT of lessons, not because i found it hard but because i needed to feel li had some experience. Then get a car and just get on with it. I can only assure you that worrying about it will only make it worse.

    Merry´s last blog post..Dear Mummy…

  2. Carly permalink
    November 1, 2008 9:06 pm

    Only just discovered your blog so hello!

    I passed my test nearly 3 years ago now (hurrah) and I done it the non-recommended way… I had a few lessons but my husband taught me… and we’re still married 😉 For me it was a great way to learn, because any criticisms he has now? His fault – he taught me 😛

    Anyhoo, that aside because you said BN doesn’t drive either… I don’t know how far away your dad lives but would he be willing to let you practise in his car or give you a few helpful lessons himself?

    I am the world’s most uncoordinated person (trying to teach my daughter to throw and catch a ball is amusing when I struggle to do it myself…) and I managed to learn to drive & pass my test – I’m sure you can do it, given a bit of time & confidence!

  3. November 2, 2008 11:45 pm

    I could teach you. My fees are 2 donuts per lesson.

  4. November 3, 2008 7:43 pm

    can you drive all the way here, then teach me, then eat 2 donuts? 🙂

  5. November 3, 2008 8:11 pm

    Hmm… that might be more like 4 donuts.

  6. November 3, 2008 8:13 pm

    I can stretch to 5 …?

  7. November 3, 2008 8:24 pm

    Hey that’s the kind of bargaining I like 😀

  8. November 3, 2008 8:27 pm

    It’s a deal then – see you … what….. Thursday? I’m free in the evening 😉

  9. November 3, 2008 8:29 pm

    Bugger, I can’t do Thursday, I’m doing an airport run.

  10. November 3, 2008 8:37 pm

    oh maaaaaaan!!!!!!!

  11. November 3, 2008 8:49 pm

    It’s true! I’m taking L and her husband to the airport at stupid o’clock in the morning.

  12. November 3, 2008 9:34 pm

    I’ll believe you – thousands wouldn’t!


    Friday then? 🙂

  13. November 4, 2008 5:13 pm

    oh dude i could say SOOO much about this. i feel your pain. i finally passed my test this summer, 15 years after i started learning to drive. i think i failed about 5 times tho no-one believes me – they can’t handle the shame.then last summer we moved over to nothern ireland and suddenly all these places were unreachable for me and the boys – i started to see what i was missing, and family started saying the same things to me about me needing some independence. so i invested in a cd-rom thing to teach you everything you need to know about the theory test. it was AMAZING and it COMPLETELY changed my entire approach and attitude to driving. once i was passing the mock theory tests on that i applied for the real deal – and passed with flying colours – 100% on the questions part! i booked a test and failed it AGAIN and then found a fab instructor who made it his mission to get me through the test. after about 6 lessons i took it again and sailed through. couldn’t believe it. i was literally ill with fear before the first test i took over here. we’ve since had a prang (not our fault) so i’m still a little unsure about the sanity of driving but my life has COMPLETELY changed and we have a level of freedom that is just fab. Impromptu trips to the beach, the chance to do cheapo supermarket shopping in a superstore out of town, not to mention me-time visits to starbucks and late-night shopping when the boys are asleep. DO IT! if i can, ANYONE can!

    one feisty mama´s last blog post..Literary Mama

  14. November 4, 2008 5:46 pm

    I don’t doubt that you could learn Nutty but Don’t do it!.. as soon as you are able to drive no matter what you think – any other form of travel becomes a huge effort to undertake. You’ve gone this long without driving and it’s only getting harder/more expensive and more awful to do.. My mum is 55 and has never driven – it’s as possible as you make it, especially if you don’t live out in the sticks but once you get a car it’s nearly impossible to live without one. If you take a company car home with you, you get hit hard on benefits tax too. If you think you have no money now a car will rob you of a good couple of thousand pounds per year.

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