Skip to content

The F Word – Bordering Sensible

November 16, 2008
by

This was originally posted over at Vic’s house on the 28th October – which incidentally is my brother’s birthday… I decided to make sure that the series was completed here for the future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I weighed 136lbs when I met BN. Tiny really.. Not skinny. Not supermodel tiny. But slim and healthy. But I didn’t see it.

As time passed, BN and I got very settled into our relationship and he melted away my insecurities. Make no mistake, this man is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I became very happy and comfortable. We moved to Lincoln and I got a good job and eventually our first house.
The inevitable happened & I gained a little bit of weight. At first I made allowances. I made allowances for being 146lbs. Then 150lbs. Then 160lbs. By September 2003 I was 161lbs.

11st 7lbs.

Hardly huge. But it was creeping back on.

I had clothes that started to fit badly. Well when I say fit badly, I mean they didn’t fit … And then I had clothes that were being bought in bigger sizes. Clothes that started to feel loose and that gave me room to grow. And I gradually got bigger.

By the time I fell pregnant with Rowan in January 2004, I weighed 12st. 168lbs. 76kilos.

And I chose to look the other way.

I let go. ‘I can’t possibly watch my weight now; that’s bad for my baby’. I allowed myself to free-fall into the oblivion that was the pregnant woman’s right. Eating for two. Why have one when you can have two?

Why stop at one meal when you can have seconds? Why top at savoury when you can have dessert?

I had Rowan and within weeks my momentary weight loss gave way to the inner fat girl that was beating me up from the inside. I convinced myself that I’d been faking the thinness all along.

This wasn’t me! Who was I kidding? I wasn’t meant to be thin. It’s too much hard work to stay thin. We’re talking about a girl that weighed 8st at 8 years old. Fat was my thing, dude!

Just give up. Give in. Eat the pizza, the chocolate, the crisps. You’ve just had a baby! You need your energy….

The weird thing was that as my weight crept up to my full term pregnancy weight, I turned a blind eye. I chose not to notice. And the weirder thing was, that in my mind’s eye, I was still thin! You know, the same mind’s eye that refuses to change your inner brain age from 29 to 30?

As I walked passed shop windows, I would look at the reflection and look away. That fat woman isn’t really me. She’s some woman with a pushchair, yeah sure, but she bears no resemblance to me when I stood sideways on in front of the mirror this morning and sucked my stomach in.

It can’t be me because, sure, I’ve gained a little weight but only slightly. I’m still slim. I made a difference.

My brain and my body were at odds once again. When I was thin, I felt fat and now I was fat my inner saboteur convinced me I was seeing distorted reflections.

You are thin…. you lost all that weight…. that is all wrong… don’t look… just ignore it. Now, how about some new shoes?

I felt thin for the next year and the days that I didn’t feel thin, I looked the other way. I cried alone and vowed to change.

When I found out I was pregnant, my first reaction was ‘oh crap. I’m so fat’.

Advertisements
4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 16, 2008 10:10 pm

    I cannot even begin to tell you how I relate to this. But you? Are beautiful

    flutter´s last blog post..Stolen

  2. November 16, 2008 10:39 pm

    Oh god, i hate weight in lbs. It sounds so much worse; i’ve lost a stone since the beginning of the summer and apparently i am still nearly 200lbs – which sounds HUGE.

    And even if i lost another20lbs, i’d only just be under the obese BMI weight and yet i’d be 11 1/2 stone – i HATE being short with big boobs cos actually i look CRAP when i weigh less than 11stone.

    I do understand everything you say; trouble is, i can put size 16 clothes on again now and i really can’t equate that with being nearly 200lbs and obese – it all really helps to fuck with your head, doesn’t it?

    But i do know what you mean in everything you say; i curse letting it go when preg with Fran and i remembering saying it to you and you saying “but i CRAVE sweet things!” and thinking – oh bugger, i can’t even stop it happening to her either 😦

  3. Mancais permalink
    November 17, 2008 9:36 am

    I’ve not been on the scales for over a year as I’m too frightened to get on.
    I know I’ve put weight on but just can’t seem to get my head right for eating properly.

  4. November 17, 2008 1:47 pm

    I’m right there with you on this one. My weight goes up and down depending on the effort I put into it. Fortunately I’ve reached a comfortable level. I’m 40…not fat….and not thin. I’m just in between. I’m healthy and happy and that’s what I try to focus on. Just remember what a fabulously gorgeous goddess you are and you’ll be all set. {{{hugs}}}

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: