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The F Word: Expecting

January 13, 2009

Ella wasn’t planned, that’s no secret. We weren’t being as careful as we should have been. Could have been. But I don’t think either of us thought that we would be sad if another baby ‘happened’. And the truth is, that three days earlier the reaction to the news would have been totally different. We had literally just decided that weekend, to wait a year before we had another. So rather than being sad or worried or upset, it was nothing like that – I was just shocked. I think all I said for 3 hours was ‘oh my god… I don’t believe it!’

I had lost a baby in the July, very early on. I had only known less than a week. And it had been a total shock. Some will always argue that it wasn’t really a baby. But to me it was. It was 6 days worth of possibility and enough to involve my heart and make plans. There’s a little date set aside for it in my heart.

So I threw myself into the baby-making without thinking of the consequences, either the reality of money or circumstance but particularly not about weight. I was 15st 7lbs. Terribly unfit, suffering with asthma, sore hips from a problem I have with my tendons and a sore pelvis from the PSD I had had with Rowan which had never really gone away.

I convinced myself that I was of average ‘overweightness’. I would walk the route to town, through the shops on a weekend, buying shoes or bags (no chance of them not fitting) and think ‘I’m no different to her, or her, or her…. or her. If only I could lose a bit and look a bit more like her…. or her.’

Well it doesn’t matter because I’m well dressed, or my make-up is nice or my hair is washed. I’m not some poor, overweight, obese nobody that makes no effort. I’m fine. I can ignore that one problem and make myself feel good about what I have got. And then I’d buy something for pudding.

I was always nearly good enough but not allowing myself to accept what I had become. Again.

Acceptance is the first step to action and I was too lazy and too happy in Donut Land to act.

We would treat ourselves to take-aways and I would think ‘well I’m pregnant. I can’t diet now. What’s the point?’

I piled on a shade under 3st. Does the word *shade* apply to 3 stone?

Ella was born and the mountainous water retention I suffered with polyigohydramnios meant that my weight loss was slow and steady for weeks afterwards. I dropped from 18st 5 to 16st 11lbs in about 14 days. And in that 14 days I managed to rewrite the laws of healthy eating.

If I can eat cake and lose weight, then eating cake must be healthy.

Ergo, eat more cake.

Eat biscuits.

Eat Take aways.

Eat anything that sits still long enough and if you do it with your eyes closed then it doesn’t count.

Uh, yeah.

Fat logic.

Even though my educated self, my Nutritionally Degree’d self (oh yeah I have a whole part of a qualification in this, go figure) said this was utter bollocks, my insanity and my chocolate loving, self loathing side, craved the oblivion.

Luckily I switched my brain on around December and started WW in January having lost a stone myself first in the previous month.

I started WW and went from 15st 11 to 14st 10 ish before giving up about March ’07.

I had found a new WW plan by then.

I managed to do that version of WW where you tell yourself you’re following the plan because you count points. Even if you count up to 30 when you should have stopped at 21. You know that version?

Yeah. I’m glad I’m not the only one.

and, no. I’m not pregnant.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. January 13, 2009 9:48 pm

    There have been times in my life when I have been fit. I have carried around in my head a long term plan. I will eventually drop the chinese takeaways. I will not have chips every time they are on a menu etc etc. I have always known I would get round to it. But I haven’t. Sometimes I see a photo and feel a twinge of shame. I have a lurking feeling that I am going to wake up one morning and find I never quite got round to it.

    Moobs´s last blog post..Sri Lanka

  2. January 13, 2009 10:24 pm

    Yup yup yup.

    I’m an excessive points counter too.

    You need some more exercise. I’m finding doing exercise at work is helping.

  3. January 13, 2009 10:37 pm

    @Moobs or NOT wake up one morning having not qute got round to it ? ;o)

    @Nutty “18st 5 to 6st 11lbs” erm, you’d be dead luv :o)

    @ Redhead…. what kind of exercise do you do at work?

    Ok, seriously impressed to see you writing about this and I’m not a stalker or nuffink *shifty look* but I need your address, the real one :o)

    mrs hojo´s last blog post..I have a lovely blog, it is official

  4. January 13, 2009 10:49 pm

    I power walk up and down to the photocopier.

  5. January 13, 2009 10:50 pm

    She lives at 14 Donut Street, Bourneville.

  6. January 14, 2009 10:07 am

    @redhead – you forgot the cadburyland at the end!
    I gave up following that version of the points plan cos clearly it doesn’t work. Now I’m on the stuff in whatever I possibly can plan, and I’m much much happier.

  7. Mancais permalink
    January 14, 2009 1:49 pm

    I used to do points. Planning to get back into it very shortly.
    I thought it helped me when I changed job as there is more walking involved. Unfortunately, one of the walks is to the canteen/restaurant where the staff breakfasts are really lovely and value or money.

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