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Testing Testing… 123….

January 6, 2012
by

I’ve been thinking about this for a while… loading up the page every now and then … reading the last few posts… blowing the dust off and trying to figure out what I would say. Taking pictures and thinking of blogging them.

I have facebook which I love ..

But…

I loved blogging and I’ve missed it terribly. And to be honest? I probably quit it at the one time in my life when I really needed it but I just felt that I couldn’t write about the things that I wanted to write about without potentially hurting people … family. As I knew they knew I was here. I didn’t want to write about inane stuff when really I needed to talk. I tried to set up somewhere new… but it wasn’t me. Little Nut Tree is me.. it’s my identity and trying to be someone else just felt like I was trying to hide and be me all at the same time. I suppose I got a few things off my chest when I did that.. and I haven’t taken it down…. and basically I have got past the things that were bothering me at the time even though I never even finished writing them out.

One of the things I’m terrified of is hurting people’s feelings. Saying something that I shouldn’t say… being out of line. Over the line… not being able to take it back.

But if anything that last 18 months or so …I’ve really changed in some ways. Not in others.. I’ll always worry that I’ve said something that has caused someone else pain and I will always try to ensure that I am diplomatic in life and in virtual life… but for once in my life, last week I actually said what I really meant knowing that it could result in someone withdrawing from me… from my life…. but it was upsetting me not to say it… not to vent was hurting me and this person had already really hurt me… and so I thought do you know what? If I don’t say this? Then I’m an idiot.

So I did.

And it felt goooood.

So really since that conversation… I’ve been thinking – If I can say things out loud to someone’s face in the right way… then as long as I’m careful when subjects are emotive… even if someone reads it when it’s about them … then I think I’m OK.

I think one of the things that got me the most was something that happened a few weeks ago.

Ella asked me what her first word was and I just couldn’t remember. Kit has started to talk and we were all laughing as he kept repeating ‘aarrloh’ for hello —– walking into and out of rooms waving …. aarrloh aarrloh. It was the talk of the house … well that sounds dumb… Not the talk of the office or the world but the house… but there are six of us, yes six! Fair enough one of them really doesn’t talk and one of them only says four words.. but hey. They’re there in spirit!

I could remember Rowan’s (oh dear!) I mean it was actually ‘oh dear’ not oh dear I can remember it… Kit was saying Hello left right and centre… but I just couldn’t remember hers. She was looking at me .. expectantly and waiting and I didn’t want to lie… so what did I do? I sent her off to do a quick job for me and I looked on my blog. I searched for around the time I knew it would be and read some posts. And you know what? I found it. It was bub bye!

And I suppose that’s really truly when it hit me. I am missing stuff. I need to do Nina’s birth story before I forget it. I have all of this fabulous information for the girls when they’re bigger and Kit and Nina just wouldn’t have anything. Having another baby so soon – there are things I wish I could check from when Kit was new. When did he sleep, when did he feed? How tired was I? What funny thing did the girls do that cheered me up?

Tweeting with a friend yesterday and reassuring her that I breastfed through the night loads of times with tears streaming down my face through tiredness and that she wasn’t alone… joy at his first smile…. the girls at school, Rowan reading, getting glasses, Ella’s birthday message, Rowan’s, Kit’s… Kit burning his hand 😦  walking, crawling… and none of it is there … I feel like I need to go back and do a catch up story for him so he has stuff to read.

I had a horrendous experience last summer in the vaguery of sleepless nights and full time work… I probably needed support. I was 5-6 months pregnant dealing with an awful personal matter which I will blog about to help others… and I didn’t tell anyone really. I didn’t tell any of my family at all. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I got the help I needed from friends I knew could help practically but I didn’t actually go anywhere for just.. hugs. Words. And I probably should have.

So … there has been IT issues – we lost our WiFi for a bit and my laptop broke. That made things hard for blogging. Charger still broken, screen still cracked…. but I am going to be here. I am going to be blogging. And my assumption is now I’ve been gone so long no one will be reading it anyway so I can say what I like!!

🙂

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 6, 2012 11:28 am

    Yay! Welcome back. You’ll always be the Nutty Mummy to me. It’s exactly how I felt about being Suburban Mum. xx

  2. January 9, 2012 6:55 am

    Welcome back, Nutty Mummy, have missed your blogging. Looking forward to whatever you want to say. Will check in often. Mimi

  3. mrshojo permalink
    January 9, 2012 10:48 am

    well hello you :o)

    xc

  4. January 9, 2012 11:29 pm

    That rather suggests that people are reading… so perhaps I should be careful!!

  5. January 13, 2012 5:35 pm

    Hurrah!

  6. January 13, 2012 5:46 pm

    Oh no, not you 😉

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